When It's Time to Leave a Church, by H. B. Charles

I detest church hopping. Yet I accept the fact that there are times when Christians transfer church membership. But there is a proper time and way to leave a church.

What are the legitimate reasons for leaving a church? When is the right time to leave a church? How should one leave a church to join another?

Red Lights: Wrong Reasons for Leaving a Church

Here are seven wrongs reasons for leaving a church. 

1.    Sin. Someone has sinned. Maybe it was a leader. Is this a good reason to leave? No. It is not promote holiness to leave because of sin. There was gross sin in the church of Corinth. But Paul commanded the church to deal with the sinning member, not leave the church (1 Corinthians 5:9-13). When Paul bids the saints to “come out from among them,” he was talking about the world, not the church (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). We should respond to sinning brothers with restoration, not amputation (Galatians 6:1-5).

2.    Disagreements over secondary doctrinal issues. Biblical convictions matter. But don’t be willing to die on every hill. Contend earnestly for the faith (Jude). But don’t break fellowship over every disagreement about scripture. Paul advised Timothy, “Remind them of these things, and charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers. Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. But avoid irreverent babble, for it will lead people into more and more ungodliness…” (2 Timothy 2:14-16)

3.    Disunity. God hates those who sow discord among brothers (Proverbs 6:16-19). But evidence of salvation is love for your brothers and sisters in Christ (1 John 3:14). And this love is demonstrated by preserving the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:1-3). Don’t jump ship because you can’t get along with others. You will only have the same problem at the next church. “Do nothing from selfish ambition of conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourself” (Philippians 2:3).

4.    Personal offenses. There will be times when Christians sin against one another. What then? Leaving is not the answer. Moving every time you are (or feel) wronged will only lead multiple church transitions. Or you will remain at the fringes of the church, which is just as bad. Jesus gives the answer: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). These simple instructions could jumpstart revival in many churches. But what if he doesn’t listen? Turn up the pressure (18:16-20).

5.    Unwillingness to submit to authority. Aaron was more spiritual than Moses. And Joshua was a better leader. But the rod was in Moses’ hand. Don’t fight those the Lord puts in leadership over you. Of course, you should not sit under unbiblical, immoral, or abusive leadership. But there is a way to deal with disqualified leaders (1 Timothy 5:19-20). Without a doubt, you should hold your pastors accountable. But don’t handcuff the spiritual leaders of the church to personal preferences, empty traditions, or unbiblical priorities. Let the leaders lead. And be willing to follow (Hebrews 13:7, 17).

6.    A low view of the church. There is no chapter and verse that commands you to be a church member. But scripture teaches by what it assumes, just as much as it teaches by what is commands. There is no biblical category for an "unchurched Christian."  The apostles would have asked, “Why are you calling her a Christian if he is not a part of the church? Christ is the head of the church. And he does not have out-of-body experiences. You cannot be connected to the head and disconnected from the body. Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-27). And to love Christ is to love what he loves.

7.    Disregard for truth. Paul charged Timothy to preach the word (2 Timothy 4:2). He then warned that faithfulness to the charge would cause some to flee: “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths” (2 Timothy 4:3-4) Faithful preaching will drive some away from the church. But they will not go home. They will find a church where the preacher will tickle their ears. Don’t let that be you. If you are under sound teaching and faithful preaching, for God’s sake, stay put!

Green Lights: When it’s Time to Leave a Church

Here are three basic and acceptable reasons for leaving a church.

1.    A gospel reason. If the church you are a member of does not believe or teach the biblical gospel, you need to leave. Now. Sinners are saved by grace through faith in Christ, plus or minus nothing. Nothing we do saves us. Salvation is God’s free gift to those who trust in the righteousness of Christ who died for our sins and rose from the dead for our justification. Anyone who teaches any other “gospel” is accursed (Galatians 1:6-9). And any church that embraces a false gospel is not a Christian church. Run for your life!

2.    A doctrinal reason. Here’s the bottom line: You must leave a church when a church requires you to deny what you believe or believe what you deny. You have three responsibilities when it comes to faith: (1) the duty to live by faith (Romans 14:23); (2) the guarding of your conscience against sin (James 4:17); and (3) the command to test all things (1 Thessalonians 5:21-21). Don’t treat doctrinal matters lightly. Truth and peace must be protected. But to ignore truth in the name of people only produces a pseudo-peace.

3.    A personal reason. There are many personal reasons for leaving a church. The most common is relocation. If you have moved to a different city, you need put yourself under the authority of a local church where you live. That was Phoebe’s situation (Romans 16:1-2). Or your church can be so far from your where you live in the city that skipping church becomes a convenient excuse. These and other similar personal reasons are acceptable, sometimes necessary, reasons for leaving a church.

Yellow Lights: How to Leave a Church

How can you leave a local church in a Christ-honoring way? 

1.    Pray. Important decisions should only be made after diligent prayer. Leaving a church is one such decision. Pray about your motives, duty, and relationships. Pray to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). Pray for wisdom (James 1:5). Pray for submissiveness to God’s will (Colossians 1:9). Pray quietly. That is, pray about it. Don’t talk about it. Loose talk about your unprocessed thoughts and feelings can sow discord.

2.    Examine your motives. Why do you want to leave? I am not talking about the politically correct reasons you tell others. I’m talking about the true motivations of your heart. Do you even know them? Ask God to search you (Psalms 139:23-24). Then be honest with yourself. And be honest with God. Be careful not to move for the wrong reasons.

3.    Review the commitments you have made to serve. Do you serve in the church? Are you a leader? Will your move disrupt the ministry? Answer these questions prayerfully before you leave. If you have made commitments, do everything within your power to honor them. Put the honor of Christ ahead of yours. Push past unworthy quitting points (1 Corinthians 15:58). You do not want to be found AWOL from an assignment God has given you.

4.    Make sure you have no unresolved interpersonal conflicts. Don’t leave a church because you are mad about something. Don’t leave because someone has offended you. Be ready to forgive and eager for reconciliation. Jesus said, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). Broken fellowship suspends true worship.

5.    Consider how your transfer will affect others. Christianity is not about you. It’s about Christ and others. If your heart is right, you will feel the weight of how your potential move will injure or influence others. If you can leave without affecting anyone, you were not a good member. If your presence matters, consider how your absence will move others. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests,” instructs Paul, “but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).

6.    Determine where you will transfer your membership before you leave. It’s not the Father’s will for his children to be spiritually homeless. Paul says, “So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God” (Ephesians 2:19). The Lord typically leads to a place, not just away from a place. You should be able to leave a spiritual forwarding address when you leave a church. And you should be able to go to your new church with a recommendation from your old church.

7.    Have an exit-interview with your pastor. It is right for you to talk to your pastor before you leave a church. Is he the reason you want to leave? That is all the more reason why you should schedule a conversation. Hebrews 13:17 says, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.”

What do you think? What is the right time to leave a church? What is the right way to leave a church? 

Click Here for original posting

Divorce and Remarriage

The topic of divorce and remarriage is a sticky one, and one that is particularly misunderstood in the church today.  Bible scholars come out with varying views.  I personally am comfortable with the stance taken below from Grace Community Church.  You can click here to see the original.

A GRACE COMMUNITY CHURCH DISTINCTIVE

God Hates Divorce. He hates it because it always involves unfaithfulness to the solemn covenant of marriage that two partners have entered into before Him, and because it brings harmful consequences to those partners and their children (Mal. 2:14-16). Divorce in the Scripture is permitted only because of man’s sin. Since divorce is only a concession to man’s sin and is not part of God’s original plan for marriage, all believers should hate divorce as God does and pursue it only when there is no other recourse. With God’s help a marriage can survive the worst sins.

In Matthew 19:3-9, Christ teaches clearly that divorce is an accommodation to man’s sin that violates God’s original purpose for the intimate unity and permanence of the marriage bond (Gen. 2:24). He taught that God’s law allowed divorce only because of “hardness of heart” (Matt. 19:8). Legal divorce was a concession for the faithful partner due to the sexual sin or abandonment by the sinning partner, so that the faithful partner was no longer bound to the marriage (Matt. 5:32; 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:12-15). Although Jesus did say that divorce is permitted in some situations, we must remember that His primary point in this discourse is to correct the Jews’ idea that they could divorce one another “for any cause at all” (Matt. 19:3), and to show them the gravity of pursuing a sinful divorce. Therefore, the believer should never consider divorce except in specific circumstances (see next section), and even in those circumstances it should only be pursued reluctantly because there is no other recourse.

The Grounds for Divorce
The only New Testament grounds for divorce are sexual sin or desertion by an unbeliever. The first is found in Jesus’ use of the Greek word porneia (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). This is a general term that encompasses sexual sin such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and incest. When one partner violates the unity and intimacy of a marriage by sexual sin—and forsakes his or her covenant obligation—the faithful partner is placed in an extremely difficult situation. After all means are exhausted to bring the sinning partner to repentance, the Bible permits release for the faithful partner through divorce (Matt. 5:32; 1 Cor. 7:15).

The second reason for permitting a divorce is in cases where an unbelieving mate does not desire to live with his or her believing spouse (1 Cor. 7:12-15). Because “God has called us to peace” (v. 15), divorce is allowed and may be preferable in such situations. When an unbeliever desires to leave, trying to keep him or her in the marriage may only create greater tension and conflict. Also, if the unbeliever leaves the marital relationship permanently but is not willing to file for divorce, perhaps because of lifestyle, irresponsibility, or to avoid monetary obligations, then the believer is in an impossible situation of having legal and moral obligations that he or she cannot fulfill. Because “the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Cor. 7:15) and is therefore no longer obligated to remain married, the believer may file for divorce without fearing the displeasure of God.

The Possibility of Remarriage
Remarriage is permitted for the faithful partner only when the divorce was on biblical grounds. In fact, the purpose for a biblical divorce is to make clear that the faithful partner is free to remarry, but only in the Lord (Rom. 7:1-3; 1 Cor. 7:39).

Since divorce is only a concession toman’s sin and is not part of God’soriginal plan for marriage, allbelievers should hate divorceas God does.…

Those who divorce on any other grounds have sinned against God and their partners, and for them to marry another is an act of “adultery” (Mark 10:11-12). This is why Paul says that a believing woman who sinfully divorces should “remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband” (1 Cor. 7:10-11). If she repents from her sin of unbiblical divorce, the true fruits of that repentance would be to seek reconciliation with her former husband (Matt. 5:23-24). The same is true for a man who divorces unbiblically (1 Cor. 7:11). The only time such a person could remarry another is if the former spouse remarries, proves to be an unbeliever, or dies, in which cases reconciliation would no longer be possible.

The Bible also gives a word of caution to anyone who is considering marriage to a divorcee. If the divorce was not on biblical grounds and there is still a responsibility to reconcile, the person who marries the divorcee is considered an adulterer (Mark 10:12).

The Role of the Church
Believers who pursue divorce on unbiblical grounds are subject to church discipline because they openly reject the Word of God. The one who obtains an unbiblical divorce and remarries is guilty of adultery since God did not permit the original divorce (Matt. 5:32; Mark 10:11-12). That person is subject to the steps of church discipline as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17. If a professing Christian violates the marriage covenant and refuses to repent during the process of church discipline, Scripture instructs that he or she should be put out of the church and treated as an unbeliever (v. 17). When the discipline results in such a reclassification of the disobedient spouse as an “outcast” or unbeliever, the faithful partner would be free to divorce according to the provision for divorce as in the case of an unbeliever departing, as stated in 1 Corinthians 7:15. Before such a divorce, however, reasonable time should be allowed for the possibility of the unfaithful spouse returning because of the discipline.

The leadership in the local church should also help single believers who have been divorced to understand their situation biblically, especially in cases where the appropriate application of biblical teaching does not seem clear. For example, the church leadership may at times need to decide whether one or both of the former partners could be legitimately considered “believers” at the time of their past divorce, because this will affect the application of biblical principles to their current situation (1 Cor. 7:17-24). Also, because people often transfer to or from other churches and many of those churches do not practice church discipline, it might be necessary for the leadership to decide whether a member’s estranged or former spouse should currently be considered a Christian or treated as an unbeliever because of continued disobedience. Again, in some cases this would affect the application of the biblical principles (1 Cor. 7:15; 2 Cor. 6:14).

Pre-conversion Divorce
According to 1 Corinthians 7:20-27, there is nothing in salvation that demands a particular social or marital status. The Apostle Paul, therefore, instructs believers to recognize that God providentially allows the circumstances they find themselves in when they come to Christ. If they were called while married, then they are not required to seek a divorce (even though divorce may be permitted on biblical grounds). If they were called while divorced, and cannot be reconciled to their former spouse because that spouse is an unbeliever or is remarried, then they are free to either remain single or be remarried to another believer (1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14).

Repentance and Forgiveness
In cases where divorce took place on unbiblical grounds and the guilty partner later repents, the grace of God is operative at the point of repentance. A sign of true repentance will be a desire to implement 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, which would involve a willingness to pursue reconciliation with his or her former spouse, if that is possible. If reconciliation is not possible, however, because the former spouse is an unbeliever or is remarried, then the forgiven believer could pursue another relationship under the careful guidance and counsel of church leadership.

In cases where a believer obtained a divorce on unbiblical grounds and remarried, he or she is guilty of the sin of adultery until that sin is confessed (Mark 10:11-12). God does forgive that sin immediately when repentance takes place, and there is nothing in Scripture to indicate anything other than that. From that point on the believer should continue in his or her current marriage.

Family Technology Guidelines

Well here's the final (so far) product.  It really hasn't been tweaked all that much from my previous post.  I say "final (so far)" because this is definitely a work in progress and we will continue to tweak it as the needs arise.  We are around one week into this and it seems to be working well.

Galdamez Technology Guidelines

Technology in our home = Computers, Kindle Fires, cell phones, Nintendo DS, Xbox, iPods, iPod Touch, iPhones, Wii, televisions, DVD movies (and anything else I forgot)

Observations:

·         Technology usage tends to pull you away from healthy interaction with your family and isolate you to your room.  It is easy to waste real life on virtual life.  We need to seek out ways to engage daily in real life and relationships.

·         The use of technology seems to easily become an idol, demanding more and more time and devotion and distracting you from the things of the Lord.  We should each regularly ask the Lord for help in this area.

·         Technology usage is a privilege, not a right.

Guidelines:

·         Up to one hour per day during week days (Monday through Thursday).

·         Up to three hours per day during weekends.

·         In general, technology can be used between 7:30pm and 8:30pm during weekdays, except Wednesdays – between 4 & 5.

·         Allotted time cannot be used until all homework & chores are completed (i.e. dishes done, trash taken out, down stairs picked up, animals fed, clothes put away, rooms cleaned, etc…).  Any chores not completed will be completed during technology time.

·         Use of these technologies (especially cell phones, Kindles, iphones, DS), whether for movie watching, or texting, or video game playing should be done in a family commons areas and not in one’s room in isolation.

·         All passwords to devices and internet sites (Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, etc…) must be known by mom and dad.  Any changes to these must be immediately reported or else consequences will follow.  Parents have the absolute right to monitor any and all technology usage.

·         Technology devices need to be kept in the study on the desk when not being used during allotted times.

·         Time should be spent with God (Bible reading/meditation, prayer) before technology is used.

·         Time on Kindles for reading books is unlimited (but must be used in family areas).

·         Technology should be avoided in the early mornings.

Family Technology Guidelines

This is work in progress.  Shelly and I plan to work out the specifics tonight during our date.  Here's what I have so far...

Galdamez Technology Guidelines

Technology in our home = Computers, Kindle Fires, cell phones, Nintendo DS, Xbox, iPods, iPod Touch, iPhones, Wii, televisions, DVD movies (and anything else I forgot!)

Observations:

·         Technology usage tends to pull you away from healthy interaction with your family and isolate you to your room.

·         The use of technology seems to easily become an idol, demanding more and more time and devotion and distracting you from the things of the Lord.  We should each regularly ask the Lord for help in this area.

·         Technology usage is a privilege, not a right.

·         It is easy to waste real life on virtual life.  We need to seek out ways to engage daily in real life and relationships.

Guidelines:

·         Up to one hour per day during week days (Monday through Thursday).

·         Up to three hours per day during weekends.

·         Use of these technologies (especially cell phones, Kindles, iPhones, DS), whether for movie watching, or texting, or video game playing should be done in a family commons areas and not in one’s room in isolation.

·         All passwords to devices and internet sites (Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, etc…) must be known by mom and dad.  Any changes to these must be immediately reported or else consequences will follow.  Parents have the absolute right to monitor any and all technology usage.

·         Technology devices need to be kept in the study on the desk when not being used during allotted times.

·         Time should be spent with God (Bible reading/meditation, prayer) before technology is used.

·         Time on Kindles for reading books is unlimited.

·         Technology should be avoided in the early mornings.          

Questions to answer:

·         Should there be a time in the evening when the internet is turned off, including weekends?

·         Should there be technology usage times?  Say, between 7-8 pm

·         Should usage be earned by chores, reading, etc? (probably not since they could quickly exceed how much time we would want then on it)

·         Is there a time when all cell phones need to be turned in?

·         What are our tech-free zones?

·         Should there be a technology fast day?

Well, this is what I have so far.  Once I finalize this I'll repost our family guidelines.

For His glory,

Ryan

How I Wish the Homosexuality Debate Would Go

How I Wish the Homosexuality Debate Would Go

New Semester = New Crushing Stress If Not For Grace

Great article by my friend Sankie Lynch.  How desperately we need to focus on God's grace in all areas of life, maybe even especially in our parenting.

NBFamilies: New Semester = New Crushing Stress If Not For Grac...:

For the Lynch family, this new semester means a new job, a new church (New Beginnings Church nbchurch.info), a new city, a (not) new house, a new school, new friends, and new challenges in parenting. This week we're trying to gear up for our back-to-school kickoff party Wednesday night plus two boys birthdays and a birthday party for all three boys this weekend. Change and transition can be difficult to navigate through at times. 

We’re truly excited about the new job, new church, new city, new house, new school and new friends. But I don’t know if I can say I’m really excited about the new challenges of parenting. Some challenges you choose, like climbing Everest, learning a new language, opening your own business, eating more healthy, finding Bigfoot, etc. Some challenges God lays before you because, first, He seems to have a good sense of humor, and second, He wants to see not only our children grow but He wants to see us parents grow as well. 

The fancy name for God’s growth in us is called sanctification. Many wise people have said that God’s greatest tool for sanctification is marriage. I’d like to ask those people where parenting come in on their list of sanctifying tools! The challenges you don’t look forward to is a growing teen’s attitude that comes with more autonomy or the two-year-old’s fit in the Wal-mart check-out lane or the four-year-old’s refusal to pick up their toys. And I know it has the potential to get more daunting as they continue to grow and explore more freedoms. 

My wife and I really prepared well during our first pregnancy. We read all the good parenting books. We set up the baby’s room accordingly. We were ready to hit the ground running once little Sank moved in on us. We had a plan. We were united. We were prepared. We were a team! Seven years later with three little boys all under seven...it seems our team is now outnumbered. There are times when we feel like they have secret meetings to take down our team. Life happens fast and we turned around and these little guys multiplied like Gremlins. She planned on keeping them away from junk food, which probably would have worked if they didn’t have to live with me. I planned on not introducing them to video games or dvd players until they got older, which would have worked if they didn’t have grandparents and if we could have kept them from meeting other kids. We had several other lists that would make sure they grew up to be responsible, moral people who hopefully loved the Lord. But somewhere after the birth of the third boy--that list got lost. 

You may have your own lists of things you’re holding to (or those you’ve also given up on now) in order to produce well behaved little people. Can you remember some of the ideals and plans you had when you were expecting your next transition in life, whether a child or something else. 

We may even quietly hope that our lists and rules and plans and manners and behavior modification will somehow produce good, Godly young adults some day. 

Hold it...that is exactly what the gospel says will not produce good, Godly young adults in the future. The only hope our children have is this risen Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, and the great news (gospel) of His grace being poured out through His cross. 

Can you imagine standing before Christ one day and realizing that you really thought that your moral lists would make your children Christians? 

What if you realized after your children were 18 that your motivating desire in raising them was for other people to praise you as good parents? 

What if only after they've graduated and moved out did you realize that you raised your children in a household of “elder brother” rules (Luke 15:11-32) thinking high functioning perfectionism was the goal in reaching Godliness? 

Our lists and expectations and rigid rule-keeping do not do what Jesus Christ does. Period. We need His grace. 

 

Paul’s hope for a bunch of dysfunctional, immature believers in Corinth was this: “I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Cor. 2:2). He went on to say that he was trusting in “a demonstration of the Spirit, and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God,” (1 Cor. 2:4,5). Paul recognized that his nor their wisdom nor morals nor manners nor behavior was what they could trust in. Paul knew they needed grace. Does our parenting point more to Jesus and His cross or moral lists and behavior codes? 

My wife and I have also struggled with how much we fail in truly shepherding our children towards the gospel. It’s so much easier to fall back on morals and behavior modification instead of addressing sin areas at the heart level with the gospel of Christ. You may have those same feelings of failure in trying to raise your children with parameters of Godly influence. And much like us, you may feel like this process of family-equipping and intentional parenting through the gospel is so difficult, time-consuming, and weighty. Me too. Much failure. But the fact that you and I feel guilty when we fail at meeting up to those standards reveals that we may have misunderstood grace. 

That same grace is what removes guilt and condemnation when we feel like we could never “do good enough.” It rescues us because the truth is that we really could never “do good enough.” We could never be or do good enough to get to Him. We could never parent good enough to get our children approved of by Him. Jesus captivating their hearts is their only hope. His worth and majesty and glory are immeasurably sufficient as the supreme sacrifice that has the power to save them and change them. 

As one author put it, “Trying to be a good parent will crush you if you do not embrace grace.”1

 Let your heart find security and comfort in the fact that your parenting can neither fail grace nor succeed grace. Your job is faithfulness to the great news of Jesus. Grace is His job. 

So whether you’re facing a new semester or new changes in your schedule or new scary challenges with your family--it is truly the grace of Jesus Christ you need to cry out for. 

And whether you’re fearing your long track record of failure or you’re amped up and excited about a new start in family-equipping in your home--it is truly the grace of Jesus Christ you and I need to cry out for. This Jesus changes everything!

Sankie P. Lynch

Pastor of Families of Children

New Beginnings Church

¹ Ed Moll, Tim Chester  Gospel-Centered Family  (Good Book Company, 2011) 31.  

Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex

With the dawn of the internet we live in a different world from the one in which many of us grew up.  It is so easy to think that you don't really need to be that careful with the internet in your home or on your phone or iPods or Kindles or ...  I mean, really, you have good kids and you would know if they stumbled onto something harmful.  They would tell you - right?!?  Please take a moment to read the post below from someone who grew up in a good Christian home, and then take some time to talk to your kids and strive to guard their hearts.

~Ryan

Dear Parents,

Please allow me a quick moment to introduce myself before we go much further. My name is Anne Marie Miller. I’m thirty-three years old. I’m newly married to a wonderful man named Tim. We don’t have any children yet, but we plan to. For the purpose of this letter, you need to know I’m a recovering addict. Pornography was my drug of choice.

I grew up in the church – the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher man with a passion for learning the Bible. I was the honors student; the athlete; the girl who got along with everyone from the weird kids to the popular ones. It was a good life. I was raised in a good home.

It was 1996, I was sixteen, and the Internet was new. After my family moved from a sheltered, conservative life in west Texas to the ethnically and sexually diverse culture of Dallas/Fort Worth, I found myself lonely, curious, and confused.


Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad’s depression, and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school, I turned to the Internet for education. I didn’t know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad and I was too afraid to ask. What started as an innocent pursuit of knowledge quickly escalated into a coping mechanism.

When I looked at pornography, I felt a feeling of love and safety – at least for a brief moment. But those brief moments of relief disappeared and I was left even more ashamed and confused than when I started. Pornography provided me both an emotional and a sexual release.

For five years I carried this secret. I was twenty-one when I finally opened up to a friend only because she opened up to me first about her struggle with sexual sin. We began a path of healing in 2001 and for the last twelve years, although not a perfect journey, I can say with great confidence God has set me free from that addiction and from the shame that followed. I returned to school to study the science behind addiction and family dynamics.

Over the last six years I’ve had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of venues: thousands of college students, men, women and teens. This summer, I was invited to speak at several camps to both junior high and high school students and it’s without exaggeration when I tell you with each year I counsel students, the numbers and the stories shock me more and more.

There are more students compulsively looking at pornography at younger ages and with greater frequency than ever before.

This summer, by a long stretch, was the “worst” in terms of what secrets I learned students carried. After my last night speaking at my last camp, I retreated to my room and collapsed on the bed face-first. Tim simply laid his hand on my back to comfort me.



I could not logically reconcile in my mind all the confessions I heard over the summer with the children who shared them. While every story was unique in the details, in most situations, there were three common themes that kept surfacing.

1. Google is the new Sex-Ed: Remember the first time you, as a parent, saw pornography? Likely it was a friend’s parent who had a dirty magazine or maybe you saw something somebody brought to school. Now, when a student hears a word or phrase they don’t understand, they don’t ask you what it means (because they fear getting in trouble). They don’t ask their friends (because they fear being ashamed for not knowing). They ask Google.Google won’t judge them for not knowing. Because of our short attention spans and desire for instant gratification, they don’t click the first link that shows up – they go straight to Google Images. In almost all of the stories I heard, this is how someone was first exposed to pornography – Google Image searching. The average age of first exposure in my experience was 9 years old.
2. If Your Child was Ever Molested, You Likely Don’t Know: Another extremely common theme was children being inappropriately touched, often by close family members or friends. When I was molested at sixteen, I didn’t tell a soul until I was in my twenties. I didn’t tell my own mother until I was twenty-eight. The stigma and shame of being a victim coupled with the trauma that happens with this experience is confusing to a child of any age: our systems weren’t made to process that event. Many things keep children from confessing abuse: being told they’ve made it up or are exaggerating, being a disappointment, and in most cases, getting the other person in trouble. While a child can look at pornography without being abused, children who have been molested by and large look at pornography and act out sexually.
   
3. Your Child is Not the Exception: After speaking with a youth pastor at a camp, he said most parents live with the belief their child is the exception. Your child is not. The camps I went to this summer weren’t camps full of children on life’s fringes that one would stereotypically believe experience these traumatic events or have access to these inappropriate things. You must throw your stereotypes aside. Most of the children at these camps were middle class, mostly churched students. Let me give you a snapshot of a few things I heard from these students:

• They’ve sent X-rated photos of themselves to their classmates (or received them).
• They’ve exposed themselves to strangers on the Internet or through sexting.
• They’ve seen pornography.
• They’ve read pornography.
• They’ve watched pornography.
• The girls compare their bodies to the ones they see in ads at the mall or of actresses and keep those images hidden on their phone (or iPod, or whatever device they have) so they can try to imitate them.
• They question their sexuality.
• They’ve masturbated.
• They know exactly where and in what movies sex scenes are shown and they watch them for sexual gratification.
• They’ve had a homosexual experience.

And they’re terrified to tell you.

But maybe you’re right. Maybe your child is the exception. I would argue at this juncture in life, being the exception is as equally dangerous.

At the end of every session I presented I intentionally and clearly directed students to ask me or another leader if they didn’t understand or know what a certain word meant. “Do not go to the Internet and look it up.”

Sure enough, there is always the child who stays behind until everyone leaves and quietly asks what the word “porn” means or if God is angry because that boy or girl from down the street told them it was okay for them to touch them “down there.” There is the child in the back row who leans over to his friend and asks, “what does molest mean?” and the other boy shrugs.

This summer, I am beyond grateful that mature, God-fearing adults were available to answer those questions with grace and tact and maturity; that we were in a setting that was safe for questions and confessions. It was entirely appropriate. Not every child gets that opportunity. Most won’t. Most will find out from the Internet or from a peer who isn’t equipped to provide the correct answer in the correct context.


As the summer camp season ends, I feel a shift in my heart. For the last six years, I’ve felt a calling to share with students how God has set me free from the shame and actions of my past and that they aren’t alone (because they truly believe they are). One college dean referred to me as “the grenade we’re tossing into our student body to get the conversation of sex started” because they realized how sweeping these topics under the rug caused their students to live trapped and addicted and ashamed. I will continue sharing my testimony in that capacity as long as there is a student in front of me that needs to hear it.

However, I am more aware now more than ever before in my ministry how little parents know about what’s happening. And because I’m not a parent, I feel terribly inadequate in telling you this.
But I can’t not tell you. After seeing the innocence in the eyes of ten year olds who’ve carried secrets nobody, let alone a child, should carry; after hearing some of the most horrific accounts from students I’ve ever heard this year, I cannot go one more day without pleading with you to open up and have these difficult conversations with your children. Would you prefer your son or daughter learn what a “fetish” is from you or from searching Google Images? Talk to them about abuse and yes, even trafficking.

Just this month I met a relative of a girl whose own mother was selling her body from the time she was five until now, when she’s sixteen. This was not in some drug-infested ghetto. It was in a very upscale town in a very upscale state known for its nature and beauty and summer houses.
Your children need to know. If not for them, maybe for a friend. Maybe they can help bring context or see warning signs.

Ask them what they know. Ask them what they’ve done. Ask them what’s been done to them. Show grace and love. Stay far away from judgment and condemnation. If you feel ill equipped, ask a pastor or counselor for help. If you hear an answer you didn’t expect and your first instinct is to dismiss it – don’t. Find a counselor. Look for resources. Continue following up. If you struggle with this (and let’s admit it, statistically, a lot of us do), get help too.

Do the right thing, the hard thing, for the sake of your children. If we don’t do this now, I am terrified of how the enemy will continue stealing hope and joy from our youngest generation and how they’ll be paralyzed to advance the Kingdom of God as they mature.
We cannot let this happen on our watch.

*Specific details that could identify children have been changed in such a way that it does not affect the story and only protects the children. Mandatory Reporters reported confessions that involved abuse or neglect or situations that indicated a child was in any type of danger by using proper state laws and procedures.

Originally posted here: http://www.annemariemiller.com/2013/08/19/three-things-you-dont-know-about-your-children-and-sex/

Discerning God's Will

Sometimes we make the Christian life so much more complicated than it should be.  In particular, I have in mind the idea of discerning God's will for our lives.  So often we worry and fear that we might miss God's will and we make discerning it something so vague and nebulous that we really have no idea if we are figuring it out or if we are simply experiencing indigestion.  I say this merely to introduce one short quote from my former pastor Jim Campbell, who is now a missionary in the Pacific Rim.  Shelly and I have been praying about our life and ministry direction and in the midst of an opportunity Shelly wrote Jim's wife about our situation.  Here's what she wrote back...

Jim says don't be paralyzed by the concept of seeking the will of God. We have His will. If we are living in obedience and its something you want to do and it fulfills your gifts and you've been praying about it for a year and the door opens and you like what you see then walk through it. The Lord will provide all you need to be equipped with.

Honestly, that is just perfect advice for biblically discerning God's will for our lives.  The only one thing I would add would be that of seeking out godly counselors.  In our case we have had many, many praying for us including my fellow church elders.  We have a great and gracious Heavenly Father.

~Ryan

WORLD | The ‘new legalism’ | Anthony Bradley | May 4, 2013

This is an interesting article.  I long to live more fully for Christ and His Kingdom but I don't want to be legalistic and get my focus off of the Good News and on to judging fruit.  I am so thankful that my Lord stood in my place, bore my wrath, and lived the life for me.  We must always keep in mind that we stand or fall based on Jesus Christ - not on what we can do for Him but in faith in what He has done for us.  May this realization free us to live all out for Him because we are totally free before the One True God and He is worth living for.  As a wise young man once said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."  May I pray and strive to delight and rest in Him as I live for His glory.

WORLD | The ‘new legalism’ | Anthony Bradley | May 4, 2013

Happy happy happy!

Phil does a masterful job of sharing the ultimate truth.